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A tongue-in-cheek discussion of having and understanding a dog
Some dog owners insist that their dogs think they're people. There really could be something to this. When we think that dogs are chasing cars, maybe they're actually chasing ambulances because they think they're lawyers. We've always discouraged dogs from car chasing. Lately, this has become more important than ever with the possibility of your dog catching a Smart car. Obviously, the worst case scenario would be your dog catching a Smart car driven by a lawyer.
Hopefully, you don't live next door to a toy poodle who thinks he's Pavarotti. If people want a pet with a voice that high, why not just get a bird? As a rule of thumb a dog's too small if he has to stand on a phone book to drink from a toilet. Small dogs in posh neighborhoods are so stuck up they'll only drink from a toilet if there's no bidet. If you happen to meet such a dog on the street, be polite. Resist the temptation to ask if he's afraid of real dogs. On the other hand, the advantage of toy poodles is that they can be caught with Velcro.
Maybe the dog's “finding himself” because he's still a puppy. By the way, if you'll be house-training him with newspaper, don't forget to clip the coupons first. Some puppies become paper trained very quickly. The real challenge is grasping the difference between newspaper and wallpaper.
Pet dentistry is getting very popular. It may be hard to take it seriously if you're still trying to get your kids to brush after meals, but your vet will expect you to brush your dog's teeth. Couldn't somebody just invent a fluoride Frisbee?
Regardless of who your dog thinks he is, you'll probably want to train him. If you're teaching him to catch, you may want to start with pieces of liver. Some people can put a biscuit on their dog's nose, and the dog won't take it till the owner gives a spoken signal. Initially, this works better if the dog's sleeping. Dogs can also be taught conditioned response. At the sound of a bell, they salivate. At the sound of a bath running, they actually spit. Most dogs have the ability to eat on command, which is not great if that's all there is to show from the $200 spent at obedience school. But it's worth some effort, because a smart dog will bring you a paper every day. A really smart dog will get it from next door.
Dogs will definitely learn, though. When a dog wants to go for a walk, he gets his leash. When he wants to eat, he lights the barbecue. Dogs like people food, but it shouldn't become a habit. If you're a good cook, your dog will beg. If you're a bad cook he'll beg, specifically to go for a walk. You know you burned a burger badly when you drop it on patio stones and the dog puts it back on your plate with his paws.
There may come a time when you decide on some family planning for your canine Casanova. Unless your dog's a part of a controlled breeding environment, you'll probably want to get him neutered. Dogs seem to be able to understand a great deal of what we say, so if you're in front of him, don't refer to him as being “fixed.” After all from his point of view, he was never “broken.” If you want to be sensitive to his condition, you could refer to his surgical alteration as his “vasectomy.”
People who love their dogs demonstrate it by buying toys, clothes and specialty food for them. But know when to draw the line. Love your dog, but don't throw him birthday parties. He'll just think you're a jerk for only remembering every seventh one.
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